Sweet Beginnings


Sweet friends, if you've been following me for a while, you'll probably know that I've never been one to shy away from sharing a personal story. I've written quite openly about my own hardships. Through sharing my own personal stories about my health: living with endometriosis/pcos, struggling with depression in the past, and also speaking candidly about heartbreak and grief; I have found a limitless amount of support online. 

I want to tell you all something I have been thinking about lately. This time of year always stirs up all sorts of feelings for me. It was five years ago this month when I started to become very sick, little did I know I would end up having to deal with reproductive health issues for this long after that. It's also around the same time of year I lost my mother. It's been nine now. Hard to believe that when it's typed out in front of me. I always take this time to reflect and it used to make me so sad thinking about how much time had passed so quickly. Also thinking about how sick I had been for so long. Thinking that way really got me down for the longest time, beyond grief for my mother and what felt like my good health forever, I just had a negative attitude. 

Anyway, skip to today and here I am, reflecting once again over the times gone by and I have to be honest and tell you that it really does feel good. I love this time of year. I mean I really love it. The sun makes me feel so good. I have such romantic notions about Summer, I just feel like anything could happen. 

Often people ask me how I have found joy in my pain, telling me that they have felt stuck and don't know how to see beyond their hardship. It can be so difficult to see through the darkness when you are right there in it, the feelings of loss can be all consuming. All I really know is that every single good thing within me, or that I might share with the world, anything you might read here that draws you to me, is a direct result and overflow of the pain and loss I have suffered.

Every. Good. Thing.

Joy and pain go hand in hand. So often we want all the good stuff but we never want to deal with any hardships. That's just the human condition. I am a very social person and I love to travel and stay active. I'm an artist and I will stay awake all night if I feel inspired. These things keep me sane. They make me feel alive. However, they also come at a very steep cost physically sometimes. I love these parts of my life more than I could ever express, but friends, it really does kick my ass sometimes. There are days I just can't get out of bed because I'm so exhausted. Or I'll throw up from the stress on my body. I try to cover it up. I hate complaining. There's something so powerful in acceptance. I've tried to escape pain through medicine, living my life bound to my bed, never working, never creating. Sleeping all the time because the rest felt so good. By trying to numb the pain this way, I also prevented every other beautiful thing in my life from happening. 

Joy and pain. These things are always connected. I don't talk about it much anymore but I think I've been having some pretty bad 'endo' flare ups lately and the pain has actually been worse now than it was when I was resting more... but my life is genuinely the sweetest it has ever been. You just can't have all the good stuff without accepting your share of hardships sometimes. 

Life, man. It is the most incredible thing. You just never, ever know what it's going to throw your way. So you might as well lean in. Do the extremely hard work it takes to accept the hardships and let them sit next to you, but do not let it consume you. You are not your pain. You are powerful and beautiful and beyond this there is even more incredible life waiting for you.

Thank you for snapping me on this cute stoop Brink x

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