Self Love Club


Some days I just can't be bothered. I'm lying on my bed and I've already missed a few days at the gym, but still, I can't be bothered. I've learned to be okay with this, to let myself just be instead of running myself down into the ground. I think we are all too hard on ourselves. We live in a world that is constantly telling us that we are too much or not enough. The concerns that seem to define femininity seem infinite to me sometimes. I get really desperately sad about the dumbest shit sometimes. Swearing, that's something I hardly ever do here, but that's what it is: shit. Like this double chin I have every time I laugh, no matter how much weight I lose it is always going to be there. My hair that always falls flat. My prominent nose (thanks Dad) or my terrible posture. Throw in harsh opinions that surface on social media from time to time (not often thankfully) and there are days I convince myself I am the most unattractive woman alive.  Jesus, this is without even starting on my personality. And this is all before I've even had my first cup of coffee. Recently I convinced myself that I had wrinkles all over my forehead, even though I still get asked for ID and most people can hardly believe I'm almost 26. Most days, I don't think like this or feel this way, but it happens. It also makes me sad because I know I'm not alone. We are all too hard on ourselves, I think. At my most insecure, I've been jealous of other women. This makes me feel awful, and unlike myself, because all women should be celebrated and that includes me. 

This realisation pulls me right back to my roots. I soon realise that these insecurities are simply playing to someone else's idea of what I should be. These ideas are hard to shake. They feel like poison. We're overly sexualised and broken apart physically. Emotionally. Intellectually. It's draining. It happens every day. It makes me mad and I'll complain and stomp my feet about it but I won't let it consume me. Indifference can feel liberating. Saying, I don't care what you think, well, that feels good to me. How other women look isn't any concern of mine and even my own appearance has no bearing on how I live my life. And that is what matters the most. Life is to be lived. It's not how we look that's going to define us, we won't care about that stuff in the end so why do we let it take up so much of our time right now? 

I feel like I've finally reached a stage in my life where I can say: I'm over it. We as women are too used to being shamed. I'm not genetically blessed when it comes to my figure, but I say, so what? I'll show it off anyway because I'm happy. I've never been in a situation where I've showed someone my body and they've responded with; "no thank you, can you put that away please?" If I ever feel that way when I look in the mirror, I like to remind myself of that fact because I should never want to say that to myself either. 

Sometimes people take issue with taking pride in your body, especially on social media. Confidence is often mistaken for arrogance, even attention seeking, but what I want to know is, why not love your body? It's the most rebellious stand you can take against the world that is constantly telling women they are not enough or they are too much.. My confidence still ebbs and flows and on the worst days it can dip very low. Thankfully, those days are less and less. Self acceptance is a life long process, it's an investment in yourself. It's exhausting, but something we simply cannot escape. 

As RuPaul would say. If you can't love yourself - how the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Photos by the dream that is Brinkley Rose Capriola x

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